July 25 – I can hardly believe it’s been three months since we met Liliana. Three months since we held her and kissed her tiny cheeks. Three months since our hearts were broken. Three months since we had to dig deeper than we knew possible to find strength from God.

But here we are. Life is back to normal, but it’s a new normal. We still do most of the same things we did before, but we do them with the awareness that Liliana isn’t here. And we also do them with the awareness that she is. That’s where my mind is these days. My thoughts play a sort of mental ping pong on a daily basis. One minute, I’m sad because my daughter is gone and the tragedy of it all is just too much. And the next minute, I remind myself that she is in heaven and that she is with us at all times, which gives me peace. Usually a depressing thought will hit me first, but I’m quick to reach for God and he is a steady, loyal hand.

Still, in three months, there have been many positive things that we’ve been blessed with despite our loss. We found a wonderful support group of parents who have also experienced infant loss. What blew my mind was how long they’ve been members – 10 years, 7 years, 5 years… – It shouldn’t surprise me since I think of Liliana every day and don’t ever see that changing, but the fact that they are still attending each month so many years later really impressed upon me how much these babies change our lives forever. It’s like one of the parents said…the group offers a safe place where you can say your child’s name long after the rest of the world expects you to have moved on.

The parents also gave us answers to questions we’ve had and validated so many of the feelings we’re dealing with. For example, answering the question of how many children you have over a casual encounter. No parent who lost a child will ever want to deny that child, however brief the encounter with a stranger. And those who have, speak of the instant guilt that inevitably comes afterwards. But as another mom put it, “I may make someone feel uncomfortable for two minutes, but I have to live with this every day.” So if asked, I will proudly say I have three girls – two on earth and one in heaven.

In being part of this community, I’m also learning of other ways to honor my daughter’s memory while helping others at the same time. One of the ideas that I love is sponsoring a child in need with monthly donations that will help with nutrition, medical needs, school and religious education. The best part is that you can choose a child with the same birth date as your own child and watch them grow. I’m still researching other ideas of where we can put our money to good use in Liliana’s name. Any ideas are welcome.

Another positive thing since sharing Liliana’s story just a couple of short weeks ago and launching this blog is I have been overwhelmed with the love and support of family, friends and strangers. I have received several personal messages from women I’ve never met sharing their own experiences with infant loss. I’m humbled to hear their stories and learn about their angels. When you read the statistics, it seems like just a handful of women in the world experience this type of tragedy. But I now know that these women are everywhere, are all ages and come from all walks of life. They are my neighbors, my friends, my colleagues and now my sisters. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I hope it helps all of you like it helps me to talk about my girl. And thank you to the countless others who have reached out with beautiful words of hope and faith through email, text, phone and in person. I feel lifted up by all of you.

Yes, it’s been three hard months since we lost Liliana, but I can already see the good that is coming from her life and the road that God is putting me one. And I’m determined to see that through. For those who are following my blog, thank you for journeying with me. The road is long, but I’m walking it one step at a time.