April 25, 2022 – Today my angel is 5 years old. I’ve been feeling extra emotional these last few weeks leading up to today. It helps me to listen to Christian music because it makes me feel good and closer to heaven and Liliana. And the music speaks to my heart. Different songs have been important to me at different times. The song that has been pulling at my heart this past month is a song called ‘Blessings’ by Laura Story (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQan9L3yXjc). It talks about how sometimes blessings come through the tears and trials in this life. It’s not a new song, but it’s new to me. I heard it for the first time earlier this month and probably a dozen times since then. Here are some of the lyrics:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Every time I hear it, I think of Liliana. It’s probably not a coincidence that I heard it for the first time this April during her 5th birthday anniversary month. It’s hard to believe that my baby girl would’ve been 5 years old today. 

The beginning lyrics make me think of all of my prayers for Liliana’s healing every night from the time of her diagnosis to the day she was born. And I prayed A LOT! I prayed on my own, with my husband, with my Church community….but in the end, we lost Liliana on April 25, 2017.

At the time, it seemed like unanswered prayers. After all, losing my daughter was the hardest time of my life. Five years ago, if you would have asked me if I thought suffering could be a blessing, I would have thought that was crazy. How could pain or suffering be anything other than what they are? 

Well, a lot can change in five years. Namely, my perspective. Anyone that knows me or my family knows how profoundly Liliana has changed my life. My faith, my vocation, my outlook on life…. there’s nothing she hasn’t touched. And so on this 5th birthday anniversary, I really thought about the lyrics to this song and looked at how much good has come from my angel’s life. God’s healing truly has come through many tears and He has found a way to turn that pain into blessings. Blessings for my family and blessings for others…

…Helping other families in my infant loss support group is one of my greatest joys and a way to honor Liliana’s memory. It’s a group I wish no parent ever had the need to know about, but oh what a life saver it is for those that do. So many of the bereaved parents are like family. Many helped me early on in my grief and now I get to help others walk this difficult road. Are there still tears? Absolutely. But there are also smiles and laughter that we share together as we remember our babies. And, well, it’s a blessing. 

…Getting involved in pro-life ministries after having Liliana has opened my eyes to so much beauty in life and God’s providence. I have met the most wonderful, selfless people. It feels wonderful to do good and help others in need, especially the mothers who are maybe scared or unsure of the road ahead. This group too is like family, and most definitely a blessing to me and so many others.

…Hearing my daughters speak of heaven and their baby sister with such pure faith and confidence is a joy like no other. Their words speak visions of heaven that I haven’t even envisioned, but make my heart smile. They have an understanding of heaven beyond their years. As parents, we question a lot of what we are doing when raising our children, but this is one thing I know we have gotten right. Our girls know that this is not our home. They joyfully talk about our family and home in heaven. It goes without saying that this, too, is a blessing beyond measure. 

…We have been fortunate to be able to help others in Liliana’s name through various donations to special needs children and other organizations near to our hearts. This is a blessing we can bestow on others and find tremendous joy in doing so. 

…And to this day (as recently as three days ago), I have strangers share how they remember Liliana and were touched by her story. Few things bring me greater joy than hearing others speak her name and how they were impacted by her. Blessings!

So five years since my baby girl was born, my heart still aches for her. My tears fall, even now, on my computer keyboard as I type. I miss Liliana. I always will. I ache for the relationship she would’ve had with her big sisters. I mourn all that could’ve been. 

But I can’t deny the beauty that has risen from ashes. All this pain has brought me closer to God and has anchored my family in faith. And when I think of all the good that has come from Liliana’s brief earthly life, and how many people she has touched and we have helped, it is one big Blessing made up of thousands of tears. 

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Liliana, my love, happy birthday my sweet angel. You truly are our greatest blessing.