February 15, 2020 – Happy New Year and Valentine’s Day friends! Somehow I blinked and four months have gone by since I last wrote on here. Trust me though when I say that not a day goes by without Liliana being a part of it. It’s just that my healing and honoring her memory comes more from me living than it does from writing these days.

But to give you a sense of how Liliana is woven into my very being, I’d like to share some of the moments and memories from the past few months.

As you may know, October is Infant Loss Awareness month. For the past three years, we have attended rememberance services at our Church, my infant loss support group, our cemetery and through our hospice group. This past October, for some reason, I thought the cemetery service had been moved based on a postcard I received, and thus, I didn’t have it on my calendar.

So, on one Saturday last October, we attended our morning swim classes and then decided to head to Special Place for a quick visit with Liliana. Let me preface this visit by saying that I usually go about once a week. This particular week, I almost went on Thursday but it was a bit rainy, so I didn’t. Then on Friday, I almost went again, but decided against it because I needed to do things on the other side of town with my daughter. Which meant, that we were definitely going to go all together on the weekend.

As we drove up to the children’s section, we noticed many cars there and my first thought was that there was a funeral taking place. But upon further inspection, I saw the familiar pumpkin decorating table and cider and donuts and realized that this was the set-up for the children’s memorial service…. which started at 11 a.m. We arrived at 10:55.

We were able to enjoy what is now one of our favorite services where our girls get to release butterflies, decorate pumpkins, write messages to Liliana and run around full of life with dozens of other children who are also there honoring and remembering their siblings now in heaven.

Thank you my love!

Moments like that define my life now. When those things happen, it doesn’t just make my day, it makes my heart soar and long for heaven.

Speaking of …. have you all heard of Christian artist Chris Tomlin? He has a song that I love about heaven, called ‘Home‘. It’s about wanting to go home (to heaven) where every chain is broken and every tear is wiped away. And for me, of course, where my baby girl is.

So when my husband and I saw that Tomlin was coming to the Detroit area, we jumped at the chance to see him. This was a first for both of us to attend a Christian music concert. I can’t even tell you how much I loved it.

I think I cried for a portion of every song, but it’s just that I was overjoyed to be among so many people who love Jesus and every song made me feel closer to Him and Liliana. And it was the first time I raised my hands at a concert out of sheer joy and love for God instead of some random band or song I liked. It was so awesome to see so many people from every walk of life all united through Christ. Every one was singing, raising their hands and were joyful. I didn’t grow up with that music. In fact, I only started listening to Christian music a few years ago. So ever though it was a first for me, it took me no time at all to feel … well, home.

For now, though, home to me is my family and my Church – both of which Liliana is a part of and bring me great joy. It’s a blessing to have so many activities that allow me to honor Liliana through out the year. I have filled my time with many groups that are God-serving and life-affirming. And just by doing these things, I continue to be humbled by God’s grace in showing me Liliana.

At a recent pro-life meeting at my Church, we were discussing how extreme positions have become in this country and how we even have to be careful in how much we share at Church as to not go too far. As we were discussing things, a dear friend (whom I’ve known to be nothing but sweet, mild and soft-spoken) spoke up and said, ”No!” She had recently turned 70 years old and said that she was tired of being quiet and that we needed to speak up and speak the truth and basically fight back. Soon, the whole table stopped all side conversations to listen to what she had to say. I was impressed with her courage and conviction, but what she said next left me speechless.

Before I share, let me tell you how I met this lovely woman. She was my table leader when I joined a program at my Church in the Fall of 2017, just a few short months after losing Liliana. Needless to say I was a mess and cried for many of our first encounters. She was a beautiful presence in my life during a very difficult time and was very much part of my healing journey early on. I knew that she was touched by our story, but I guess I never realized to what extent.

Here’s what she said: “…All my life I’ve had an inner voice, but meeting Claudia and Liliana has changed my life and I want to have an outer voice with our pro life group and speak up…”

By this point, she’s crying, I’m crying and Liliana… yeah, I’m guessing she was crying too. She said so much more than what I’ve written here, but emotions tend to blur some of the details of her speech. In any case, it was beautiful. I was deeply moved. But I take no pride in any of it. It’s all for His glory and Liliana’s honor.

To hear her speak of how my baby girl has changed her life and ignited this passion in her… well it just blew me away and gets me emotional even now. Liliana and I both love this woman and she’ll always have a special place in our story and us in hers.

So you see, it doesn’t matter how much time goes by between my blog posts, Liliana is everywhere and permeates our lives in big and small ways every day. She bridges the gap between heaven and earth for us and reminds us of her presence constantly.

I’ll leave you with one last story. Every night, our family sits down for family prayer time in the nursery room which is now a play area for our girls. We all take a seat around the tea party table with Liliana’s picture, a crucifix and our children’s Bible. At the end of each Bible story, there are questions that we answer. Well, one night, the story was about heaven and the question was ‘What do you want to do when you get to heaven?’

My girls probably talked about riding unicorns on the clouds or something. Honestly, I was too distracted by the question to really hear their answers, but came back around when my oldest daughter directed it at me. So when she asked me ‘What do you want to do first mommy?’, I blinked back my tears and said the only thing a bereaved mother could say:

“Go see Liliana, baby.”

And then I’ll be Home.