Late January 2017 – The weeks after our ultrasound and Liliana’s diagnosis were filled with appointments with difficult questions and even more difficult answers. I had no peace those first couple of weeks. Only tears and sadness. I longed for peace… to be able to accept Liliana’s condition and just love her and enjoy whatever time we had together. I needed help. I needed faith. I needed God.
Early on I met with my parish priest. He gave me comfort and said the words I needed to hear. He said that we should be proud of what we were doing in letting Liliana be born and God’s will be done. He told me to be strong and that I have to take care of my girls – all three of them. And that when I finally hold her, that she is mine and everything will be okay and good in that moment. He said he’d be there with us no matter what time it was and that we would go through this journey over the next several months together.
He also told me not to lose our faith. I shared that my husband had recommitted to our faith just a couple of years ago. He basically read his way back to the church and to Christ. When I say he read, I mean he read dozens upon dozens of intellectually challenging books that don’t make for light reading. So it wasn’t a flippant decision to come back, but a heart and mind commitment.
By the end of our meeting, my tears of sadness turned into tears of hope. But while my husband now had a strong faith, sadly, I didn’t quite have his convictions. I wanted to. I prayed for increased faith and to get closer to God. But at the end of each day chasing after little ones and being pregnant for the better part of the last four years, I seldom had the energy for prayer or much of anything else. It’s not an excuse. It’s just how I was. But then you get thrown the biggest curve ball of your life and everything changes.
In the midst of tragedy, people either turn to God or turn away from God. I made a conscious decision to turn to God, and thus began my journey of healing and acceptance; of hope and faith; of prayer and peace.
My husband and I started praying nightly together – something we had never done before. It was comforting to pray together as a couple for something so deeply meaningful to us both. We’d pray, cry, then pray some more. We never missed a night. It was important to us both.
And at some point during this difficult road God had put us on, I found my faith. All of a sudden, I was the one suggesting we pray or go to church or do something to honor God. Instead of waiting for my girls to go to bed so I could watch my latest trash TV on DVR, I was looking forward to our nightly dates with God. Turns out I didn’t know Him that well. Still don’t, but I’m enjoying getting to know Him.
I wish it didn’t take a tragedy like this for me to finally turn to God and put all of my trust in Him, but I have Liliana to thank for it. My sweet Liliana Faith. As I’ve told my husband numerous times, our sweet angel girl is bringing us closer to God. I want to be a better person because of her. I want her to be proud of her mommy as she watches me from heaven. And more than anything else, I want to be with her again. Our lives are forever changed because of this little girl. Now my journey to God is also my journey to Liliana. And I won’t mess that up.