May 1 – At some point over that first week of grieving constantly, I was struggling with what happened the day Liliana was born. I was only 33 ½ weeks. Why now, during my third pregnancy, did my water break so prematurely? We had a birth plan and this wasn’t it.
It’s worth mentioning what our birth plan was and the reasons behind it so that you can understand the significance in the fact that we completely ignored it. We were supposed to be induced at 39 weeks (June 5) in a controlled environment with all of the right people present – my doctor, our priest, our hospice team, and family. We wouldn’t have a c-section unless it was warranted for my health, but not the baby’s. Given Liliana’s diagnosis, the doctors didn’t recommend a c-section if her heart-rate was dropping since it wouldn’t change her prognosis and would put me at added risk for a medically unnecessary surgery. And since we weren’t going to have a c-section, we also wouldn’t do any heart-rate monitoring of the baby so that we didn’t add undue stress to the birth. However, in discussing our birth plan with my doctor, there was no reason to believe that I wouldn’t have a very quick delivery like I did for my first two daughters and that we would be able to have our wishes met by having her baptized and spending time with her.
Over the last few months, I had come to believe that things would be okay and go according to our plan. So when my water broke, I was in such disbelief. Nowhere in my literature did I read anything about premature delivery. So I was really struggling with what happened and the chaotic circumstances surrounding her birth. Why couldn’t I deliver at full-term and give my girl the best chance at survival and give us the most time with her?
It wasn’t until I shared my feelings with my husband the week after Liliana was born that I got my answer. Through tears over the phone as he was driving home from work one day, I rhetorically asked why things had to happen this way. Here’s what he said…
“The way I look at it is that Liliana couldn’t hold on any longer. She had fought as long as she could until she couldn’t fight anymore. So she said ‘I’m coming mommy’ and even though it wasn’t our plan, you said ‘okay baby, I’m coming to get you’. And you went and met her halfway by getting the c-section so that she could be born alive for us to meet her and for her to meet us.”
When he told me this, I realized that had my water not broke, I may not have met her at all. She couldn’t hold out for six more weeks. Her heart may have stopped at any point without me ever knowing until I would’ve found out at my next doctor’s visit. And that birth plan we had? Out the window. Again, had we gone according to that plan (no monitoring or c-section), we wouldn’t have met our precious girl.
And in the end, my husband, family, priest, and hospice team were all there. Liliana was baptized. And we met and got to hold the most beautiful 2-pound angel there ever was whose weight left the deepest imprint on our hearts forever.