May 9, 2018 – Exhale….That’s how I feel after celebrating Liliana’s birthday. It’s as though I’ve been holding my breath for the past year and can finally start to breathe again. Not that the pain is gone or that I don’t miss her every day, but simply that I can breathe. I think I needed to get through this first year on my own terms and not deny any of my emotions because they were too messy or made people uncomfortable. I kept my focus on my faith, family and Liliana. I had little desire for anything outside of those areas, and if I did, I seldom felt right participating in them.

But God makes all things new again and I can honestly say that I feel hope. I feel excitement for this summer and all that it will bring. I’m at a place where I can talk about Liliana without breaking down (or bringing others down). I have used my pain and transformed it into blessings for myself, family and others. And I’m ready to joyfully live a faithful life with whatever God has planned for me.

I do know one thing though… Liliana will still be a part of my daily life like she always has been. The difference will be that my steps forward will be much lighter. This past year was like running a marathon (or in my case, probably just a 5K). When I used to run, the first mile or two would always be painful. I was aware of every step and my feet felt like they were running through mud. Time would stand still and I had to use all of my willpower not to quit and keep putting one foot in front of the other. But inevitably, after around 10 minutes or so, I would hit a groove and my feet would become lighter. I would get into a rhythm where my breathing was in harmony with the movements of my arms and legs and I felt like I could run for hours. That’s how I feel. This past year was a hard course that felt anything but natural. Every step without Liliana was painful. But now I’m in a rhythm. I am lighter on my feet and I’m familiar with the road. Through the grace of God, I have survived one year and I’m still standing. And better than just standing, I’m thriving.

I’ve got my girl with me at all times and I’m breathing so much easier. I needed to get through this past year with all of my focus on Liliana and honoring her life and memory. I’m still going to do that, but also with the anticipation of what comes next. Liliana has been such a blessing in our lives that it would be dishonorable to do anything less than live a joyful, faithful life.

I recently learned of the story of Joe Sikorra and his wife and two boys. As young boys, his sons were both diagnosed with Batten disease, which is a rare neurological and fatal illness that will rob them of their lives as young adults. He talked about wanting to move to an island early on after their diagnosis and just die together as a family. But with his faith in God, his family was lifted from the depths of their despair. He wrote a book called ‘Defying Gravity: How Choosing Joy Lifted My Family From Death To Life.’ I haven’t read the book yet, but I heard him talking about it on the radio the other day and he said something that really resonated with me. He said that God has given them so much more through their struggles than they would have ever received if their lives were perfect. And I thought, Amen!

God doesn’t promise us a pain-free life, but He does give us what we need to get through it. Just like with the Sikorras, God has allowed me to find purpose through my pain, and in turn, has blessed me with more than I could have every imagined this past year. And there is joy in the discovery.

So I will choose joy and honor Liliana’s life and God’s mercy. I will breath easy. I will run lighter. And I will look forward to whatever lies ahead. Inhale…