June 8 – Well, this has been my longest absence from my blog since I started it last year for which I can point to two reasons: one is that it’s just been a really busy month. In the last few weeks I celebrated my anniversary, planned a preschool graduation (as well as spent countless hours putting together a slideshow), planted and re-planted dozens of flowers, was busy getting quotes for home improvement projects and just got caught up in the general end of the school year craziness.

But there’s another reason and it’s one that I think is a good thing. Overall, I’m less anxious when it comes to Liliana.  As I said in my last post, I feel that I can finally breath again and enjoy life without it taking anything away from my feelings for, or thoughts of, Liliana. I spent the past year constantly coming up with ways to honor her memory – this blog was certainly part of that. And I found peace and purpose in those efforts and to a great extent, I still do. But those endeavors don’t dominate my time anymore. I will always welcome opportunities to honor Liliana, but I will allow them to be more organic. I whole-heartedly believe that as long as I continue down the path God has directed me, Liliana will be there – at every stop, around every corner and even as I navigate any bumps.

I remember when I first started reading infant loss grief blogs after Liliana was born, I found one of a beautiful young couple who lost their first daughter in their 20s. I couldn’t even find it again if I tried. It was about 20 clicks deep from my original search that I happened upon by chance. I actually got a lot of my ideas from her blog about ways to honor your child. This woman had done it all – from memory boxes to memorial gardens to actually starting a non-profit in her daughter’s name. I remember I read through her entire website devouring every word. She had a strong faith and relied on it to get through her grief and used it to propel her forward. So I could definitely relate to her story. I have forgotten many of the details of her journey, but one thing I read sticks with me even today. It had been her daughter’s one-year anniversary and she wrote something that I didn’t get or even believe at the time, but I certainly do now. She said ‘I don’t need another memorial garden or balloon launch or anniversary cake…. I just need Jesus.’

As I was at the height of my grief, I didn’t see it at the time. I needed those memory boxes and memorial gardens to focus my grief on something. But it turns out she was right. Doing all of these things in Liliana’s honor make me feel good and close to her, but nothing will feel better than when I actually get to see her again. And that promise is through Christ.

I did plant Liliana’s memorial garden and it is beautiful. I love her bench and the angel wind chime and all of the colorful flowers. I enjoy sitting by it while I watch my girls play in the yard. But it was different this year than last. There was pleasure in it this time and not just pain. There was hope, not hopelessness.

I’m truly looking forward to this summer and seeing where it leads. My days are spent surrounded by people I love and good people that provide food for my soul. They know Liliana and don’t cringe with discomfort when her name comes up. And it does come up. Just a quick sidebar, my 2-year old went up to a stranger the other day and told her that she has a sister Liliana in heaven. While I easily could’ve been upset, emotional, embarrassed, uncomfortable, you name it…. I wasn’t. It actually made me smile and I was happy to hear her say it. Not only because she is aware at the tender age of 2 that she has a sister in heaven, but also because it’s true. Amen baby. ‘I just need Jesus’.

So I won’t lose any sleep or become anxious about not quickly finding another way to honor my sweet girl because I know it will happen. When you center your life around Christ, then goodness and blessings are abound. And where they are, there shall she be.