July 10 – My husband had a few days off of work a couple of weeks ago and we enjoyed a wonderful ‘staycation’ filled with zoos, beaches and museums. We both felt so blessed to be able to enjoy our girls and witness their excitement over everything. Our hearts were full. But it made me think…. I haven’t felt that level of happiness in more than 18 months.
As I’ve mentioned numerous times, happiness felt plain wrong last year and when it did come, it brought its close friends pain and guilt along with it. But these last few weeks have been different. I didn’t feel guilty. I felt joy and truly blessed for this time together with my family.
On our way to the beach, my husband commented that Liliana has given us this gift to be able to heal and be happy again. Not that we don’t still grieve or miss her – anyone who has ever lost a loved one knows those feelings live right below the surface – but we can live our lives joyously without second-guessing every activity we participate in. It really is a gift.
Liliana was very much on our minds and in our hearts these few days of family time. Even though I try, it’s hard not to picture my baby girl splashing in the water alongside her sisters. But I know she is watching over them from heaven and enjoying our family time just the same.
This was definitely true on our afternoon at the beach. As my husband and I were smiling while watching our girls swim in the water and build sand castles, we felt that overwhelming sense of happiness. We brought a picnic and were enjoying ourselves when all of a sudden our beautiful outing quickly turned into my worst nightmare.
My oldest daughter was eating her sandwich when suddenly I saw her waving her arms around from choking. At first I just patted her back thinking she would cough and be fine. But I quickly came to the terrifying realization that she truly couldn’t breathe – no coughing, no wheezing, no sound at all – just a panicked look on her face as she looked at me in desperation.
My husband and I acted quickly and as soon as we realized (in the first 5-10 seconds) that she couldn’t breathe at all, he started doing the heimlich maneuver on her. She was panicking and grabbing at her mouth. Feeling helpless watching her suffer, I swiped my finger in her mouth and was able to pull out the 1×2 inch wad of bread lodged in her throat (sidenote – I will never give that processed bread to my children again. I’ve given it to them toasted, but when it is untoasted, it is super sticky and easily gets stuck in their little mouths.).
After the bread was dislodged, she was able to breathe again but she remained in shock for another minute. Once she was talking again, I just held her tight. And that’s when the adrenaline stopped and the tears came. Did I almost lose my baby girl? During the minute of terror, I had a thought cross my mind of what if she passes out… what if… Even now, I find it hard to breathe reliving the experience.
As any parent knows who has ever watched their child choke, it is the most terrifying experience. Thinking of the ‘what ifs’ is torture. But it’s a reminder of how fragile life is and why it’s so important to live faithful lives and be ready at any time to meet our creator. As I’ve said before, I won’t mess up my chance at being with Liliana again.
Thank God she was okay. Thank God my husband and I were both right there and noticed right away. Thank God we acted quickly. Thank God we knew what to do. Thank God she didn’t pass out. Thank God!!!
And thank Liliana for watching over her sister that day. If any factor were different in the sequence of events, we may not have been so lucky. An hour before this happened, we were talking about how Liliana has helped us heal and watches over us – and then this happened. I’m so thankful my girls have their baby sister in heaven watching over them. I imagine Liliana tugging on her big sister’s guardian angel and saying ‘hey, get ready, we need to act quickly.’ However it works, I know she was most certainly there with us. In our best of times and our worst of times, she is there, and without a doubt, she watches over us.