Nov. 17, 2018 – Somehow the month of October – which is Infant Loss and Awareness month – just flew by. We had several opportunities to honor Liliana at our support group service, the cemetery service and even at the hospital where she was born where we made her donation. All of them were meaningful and we were able to include our girls in honoring their sister, which made it all the more special.

All of these services had me thinking about life after this world and why we cling to things that remind us of the loved ones we have lost. Why do we visit the dead? Why do I see so many families beautifying their loved ones’ grave stone areas (myself included)? Why do all of these parents come to these services to honor their babies who are no longer here? Is it because dialing into that pain makes them somehow feel connected? Is it simply because they don’t want to forget? Or is it something more? Do they believe that they will see their baby again? And when they visit them at the cemetery, do they talk to them with the knowledge that their babies can hear them in heaven?

At a recent support group, this topic came up about seeing our babies again. We almost never touch on faith as a general topic, but one of the mothers who admittedly said she is not a believer, or at least not a practicing one, said she fully believes she will see her son again one day. I asked her why or what makes her believe that and she acknowledged that for that to be possible, there has to be life after death, which would point to a supernatural being, aka God.

For me, I’ve always believed in God, heaven and life after death, but I never had to test that belief until Liliana passed away. I had a lot of questions, still do, about what it’s like in heaven for her and what her role is in our lives here on earth. And I can write a book on the questions I have about when I am finally reunited with her in heaven and what that relationship will be like.

Still, despite my questions, I do believe.

I’ve cried many a tear at Liliana’s monument questioning, and in my weakness, sometimes even doubting, but ultimately believing that while I don’t have the answers, God does. And I believe in His word and in His son and His promises. I also have to believe that majority of my fellow cemetery visitors share the same view that their loved ones are in heaven and are watching over them. Which is why I no longer view cemeteries as some creepy, haunted place out of Halloween movies where evil spirits lurk. I view them as a place of spiritual belief. Because what is the point of burying, much less visiting, the dead if this earth is all there is?

So when I go to special place or to the services of remembrance, I do so not just to honor Liliana’s memory, but because she is part of my life – past, present and future. Does she need it? Of course not. But it allows me to stay connected to her in a special way where I can clear away the busyness of life and focus on my girl. She is an intimate part of our lives and will be until I’m with her again. There will be no gap in our relationship.

It’s the same with Jesus. If we have no relationship with him here on earth, how can we expect Him to know us when we stand in front of Him? “But I will reply, I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.” (Matthew 7:23)  So too with Liliana, I will know her and she will know me. So I will continue to talk to her, share special moments, and include her in all that we do.

And once in awhile, she lets me know that she’s listening.

This past Thursday was one of those days. I went to see her at Special Place and brought her grave blanket for the winter. And since I was alone without my children, I was able to sit in silence with her.  I was overcome with emotion and just let the tears flow. I’m not sure where they were coming from, but I didn’t question it. I just talked to Liliana and asked for her prayers for our family. It was a special visit, but I didn’t read too much into it.

Later that same day, I was driving to a board meeting with my support group and I was listening to the program Catholic Answers on EWTN satellite radio. My husband and I love this program as we learn so much and feel spiritually uplifted every time we listen. Well, they were going into the last hour of their fundraising program and were encouraging listeners to call in if they’ve been thinking about donating in the past (which we have) or if they enjoy listening to the program (which we do).  I was about two minutes away from my destination, but something made me pick up my phone at the last minute. And boy am I glad I did. A lovely gentleman answered the phone and started taking down my information. But I could almost immediately tell he wasn’t any ordinary phone worker collecting names and credit cards. It was a blessed encounter.

So I put my car in park and told him I wanted to make the donation in Liliana’s name. He compassionately asked about her and I briefly shared her story. He was so gracious and comforting as he spoke. He said he was both happy and sad for us – sad for our loss and sorrow, but happy that Liliana was in heaven interceding for us at the throne of grace. He asked if he could share our story with the host of Catholic Answers and I said yes. With that, I shut my car off and went in to my meeting.

Twenty minutes later, I received an emotional call from my husband saying that he just heard them talking about Liliana on the radio and that they shared her story. It turns out that the gentleman I spoke to was the president of Catholic Answers, Chris Check, and he, personally, went on the air to share our conversation shortly after we spoke. Thanks to social media, I was able to listen to it when I got home. I was so moved by the encounter with Chris. But on top of that, to hear the hosts of the show and Chris all talk about Liliana and confidently speak about her sainthood in heaven was beyond anything I could hope for.

It’s in moments or days like this that I know Liliana is walking this life with me. And when the time comes to be together again, we’ll both be able to say, ‘I knew you well’.

(If you’re interested in checking out Catholic Answers, it airs Monday – Friday from 6-8 p.m. Eastern time on EWTN satellite radio or you can listen on Facebook. It’s not just for Catholic listeners. People of all faiths or no faith at all call in.)