August 31 – It’s been just over four months since saying goodbye to Liliana and I’m still learning my limits of what I’m okay doing and what I’m definitely not okay doing.

Today I learned that I’m not okay with clothes shopping, at least not yet. Being in-between my pregnancy and pre-pregnancy clothes, I decided to go look for some new clothes for the fall. My beautiful mother came with me and watched my girls while I looked around at my favorite store. It would’ve been nice to slide in to the store unnoticed, try on a couple of things and slide back out without more than a smile or nod to the sales associates. But as luck would have it, I was the only customer in the store at the time and I had probably the most eager and attentive associate I’ve ever encountered in my life. She literally walked around the entire store with me and pulled about 10-15 outfits for me that I didn’t ask for. The old me probably would’ve politely told her that I was fine on my own, but today I didn’t have the energy. So I let her bring me shirt after shirt (and shoes and jeans and sweaters…).

For almost 30 minutes I tried on the latest fashions like any normal woman and pretended to be interested in what she was bringing me. The only problem was I’m not like any normal woman. I’m a woman who lost her child and who quite honestly felt ridiculous playing dress-up while the saleswoman was doting all over me. It all felt very pretentious and very pointless. Because the truth is I don’t really care about fashion or clothing right now. I was never big on shopping to begin with and now it seems downright trivial in the big scheme of things. I’m mourning my daughter. What do I care about the latest fashion trends? So as I was staring at myself in the mirror – half laughing, half crying – I realized that I was not ready for this activity. It was not a welcome distraction, but instead a painful reminder of my loss. Over and over again, my experiences underscore what’s important in my life and where my priorities lie. I can tell you they definitely don’t lie in retail shopping. So, I thanked the sales woman for her help and left without purchasing a single item and took my girls to the playground for the rest of the morning.

Here’s something I am okay doing – anything that lets me honor/think about/talk about/or in any way include Liliana. Last night, that meant taking family photos with a photographer and finding ways to include my baby girl. I’m sure it may seem weird to some to have pictures of a loved one who is no longer here hanging on the walls, much less included in a professional photo shoot. But for me, it’s comfort, love and beauty. And a family photo without her in it, is an incomplete picture of our family. And thank God, my husband feels the same. So for 90 minutes, we took pictures with Liliana’s photo or of us holding lilies in her honor to include all five of us together in the photos. Sure it was muggy out and the curls fell out of my hair…my youngest daughter had a cold and wasn’t in a smiling mood…my oldest had a hard time focusing her attention to look at the camera for more than two seconds… and my husband was starving and wanted to have dinner…and yet, we smiled, laughed, said Liliana’s name aloud, the girls kissed her picture and we had a beautiful time with Liliana being a part of it all. I’d be hard pressed to find a picture with all of us smiling pretty and looking directly at the camera, but Liliana was with us and so it was perfect.

As I write this post with the news on in the background, I see the devastation caused in Houston by the flooding from Hurricane Harvey. My heart goes out to the families affected by this tragedy and I pray for their strength, safety and re-settlement. It has made me think about how these families had to evacuate their homes urgently with little to no belongings. It’s an unimaginable situation and no one can fathom what these people are going through unless you’ve been through it. But with tragedy comes clarity. When faced with suffering, we’re drawn closer to God as it causes us to focus on what’s truly important in life. This year has certainly done that for me.

I’m still learning my limits of what I can handle since Liliana. And I’m sure I’ll encounter more moments like today of being overwhelmed by a seemingly normal activity as shopping. But I do know what my priorities are in life – God and family. It’s not fitting into my skinny jeans (although that would be nice) or keeping up with the Joneses. It’s being able to enjoy quality family time during a chaotic photo shoot and thanking God for all the little moments and blessings we have in between. Because at the end of the day, what could matter more?