September 14 – We recently celebrated several birthdays in my family this past month, including my own. And while I enjoy celebrating others’ birthdays, I don’t make a big deal of my own. Sure I’ll let my husband take care of the girls early in the morning while I stay in bed a few extra minutes or take an extra long shower and maybe I’ll accept the bigger piece of cake (as long as it’s chocolate), but that’s the extent of it.  Not that I don’t appreciate my family and friends acknowledging it, but it has become less about me over the years and more about my children. And this year, is no exception.

There were only two things on my wish list for my day – one was to see Liliana and the other was to take the girls to our church festival that they love. Not a tall order and it was one easily accommodated.

It was a beautiful day out and I got to have a nice long conversation with Liliana while my husband and girls ran around the special place. Usually I go with just my girls and only have a few distracted minutes to talk to Liliana in-between watching the girls and making sure they don’t steal the toys from the other baby memorials. But with my husband there, I sat down and felt the warmth of the sun on my face and the stillness of the earth beneath my feet and the peace and tranquility of our special place.

I think I’ve mentioned before how much I’ve come to love our special place (what we refer to the cemetery as). I never liked cemeteries before. Who would unless you have a reason to. I thought they were creepy and I had no positive emotions associated with them. I think we even played a game as kids where you were supposed to hold your breath the whole length of the cemetery as you drove by. I have no idea why, but I’m sure it was associated with some ridiculous superstition.

But that was before. Now it’s one of my favorite places to be and I visit as many times a week as I can. Not because I can’t talk to Liliana or feel her with me anywhere else, but because when I’m there, I can focus on her. And when I look to the sky, there is no barrier between me and heaven.

During one of my recent visits when I was contemplating what life was like for her in heaven and feeling very emotional, I asked God to show me a sign that my girl was happy. I wasn’t expecting anything, but I always like to ask just in case.

You see I had been struggling with questions about Liliana being in heaven because there’s not a lot of information to go on about what it’s like up there. Like will she know I’m her mother and how much I have longed for her? Will she have a supernatural intellect so that we can communicate even though she had none on earth? Will I be able to ’embrace’ her soul as I so desperately want to? Will we get to spend all of our time together?

These are the questions that make me cry when I visit her and wonder what she’s up to. So on this day, as I was asking all of these questions, I just wanted to know that it was, and would be, all okay. And then I looked up…

And when I did, I saw the sun moving up through the sky at a fairly fast pace. Of course when I shared this experience with my husband, he was quick to correct me and said I saw the clouds moving past the sun. But no, that’s not what I saw.  I saw the sun moving up in the sky from one cloud formation to a second and then to a third. Not moving to the side as the clouds blew by, but upwards. And I remember specifically trying to see if it were the clouds in fact moving by focusing my sight on the clouds through a tiny eye tunnel, but they weren’t.  It made me think of the miracle of the sun with the Lady of Fatima. I’m sure several scientists can explain away a logical explanation of my experience, but I have my own. It was God. And He was saying to me, “And NOW do you believe?” And through my tears, I said “I believe.”

Now I know the sun didn’t actually move, but I believe God gave me that experience to put away my doubts and fears once and for all on the questions that I was struggling with. Since then I haven’t received any big signs, but that’s okay. It’s also okay that I don’t know the specifics of Liliana being in heaven or what to expect. I don’t need to. I’ve realized that the only thing that I need to know is that God is in charge and that is where I need to put my trust. I still look for Liliana in my everyday life, but not for affirmation of my belief that she’s happy in heaven, but just because I love seeing her in life’s small moments.

So on my recent birthday visit with Liliana, I just sat in peace next to her spot and enjoyed our talk. I told her our plans for the day and asked that she be with us. I didn’t have to ask any questions or wonder if her being ‘with us’ was allowed. I just needed to be still and know that He is God. And that knowledge brings such an immense and beautiful peace.

After our visit, I blew a kiss to my angel and we went and enjoyed the rest of the day at the festival with our girls. No fancy gifts or attention focused on me, but a perfect day spent with my family. And these days, I wouldn’t have it any other way. As birthdays go, I’d say this was a pretty good one.