September 25 – Oh Liliana…my sweet, sweet girl. Today you are 5-months old. I don’t know what that equates to in an eternal heaven, but it feels like forever being here without you.

Mommy and papi and your sisters were watching videos last night of your oldest sister laughing at 5-months old. In the video, papi was dancing in circles to the tune of ‘Pop goes the weasel’. That’s what we’d be doing if you were here. Dancing and acting silly, waiting for that precious moment when your smile would turn into a chuckle and then a full-on belly laugh. Only this time, your sisters would probably be the ones to make you laugh instead of mommy or papi.

Before I was pregnant with you, our lives felt so full and blessed. We wanted for nothing. And yet, the moment we found out about you, we knew how much we wanted you. You were instantly part of our family and took up space in our hearts equal to your sisters. With you, our family would be complete and I couldn’t ever fathom any scenario without you in it. That’s the thing about love… just when you think you have no more room in your heart to love any more fully than you already do… your heart grows and makes room for more.

And now, since we are a family of five, I feel your absence so profoundly. I always think about how I would be bringing you everywhere with your sisters – to school to soccer to shopping. And when I watch your sisters playing together, my arms long to be holding you and taking care of you. And I think about what your personality and temperament would be. I just know that you would be my sweet, gentle girl that would delight in cuddling and watching your big sisters play.

I know you’re happy and that there is no better place for you to be, but outside of God and heaven, we’re a selfish people. And selfishly, I still want you here. I want to give you a thousand kisses a day and feel your breath on my chest while you sleep. I want to memorize every detail on your face. I want to smell your sweet baby smell and talk to you about how special our family is while I nurse you at 2 a.m.

But, here’s the thing. You already know…. all of it. You know that God has blessed you and your sisters with the most amazing father who would always choose spending time with his family above anything else. You know that mommy still simultaneously mourns over you and rejoices at your sainthood in heaven on a daily basis. You know that your sisters love you and each other fiercely, but can go from hugging to hitting in .5 seconds flat. You know that we’re working hard to get to you by living faithful lives. You know everything.

As I told you at the special place tonight, you are always with us, from the time we wake up until our heads hit the pillow, you’re there. But we especially cherish the special graces from God where we get a sliver of heaven in the form of a ‘visit’.

Today, you chose papi. On your 5-month birthday when you know our hearts ache a bit more than usual, you visited papi at work and let him know you were with him. When papi’s patient brought his 2-year old granddaughter Liliana to his appointment for the first time ever, papi knew it wasn’t a coincidence and he felt your presence. He prays for you to visit every day, and on this special day, you did. And when he shared this with me, I was able to share in that special moment too, so thank you baby. You know how much those precious moments mean to us.

So even though my arms can’t physically hold you like I want, my heart still can. And today it’s giving you the biggest squeeze with all the love that dwells in it that your life has created and made its home.

All my love,

Mommy