December 21 – It still amazes me how I can relate Liliana to almost any activity or event in my life. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me any more, but it does. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. That’s the thing with a life-changing circumstance, it has a way of permanently marking your heart and mind so that you will never see things the same.

This week, Liliana made her presence felt in two events – one more obvious than the other. The first was in my counselor training at the pregnancy center. This past week I had studied about adoption. I’ll admit, I never really considered the perspective of the birth mother. In my mind, adoption was always a win-win situation that saves the life of the baby and provides a family with a much-wanted child. Win-win.

While that is true, there is the side of the birth mother and her very difficult, life-changing decision to turn her baby over to another family. Her decision will significantly alter her life, her baby’s and the adoptive parents’. While it is a tremendous sacrifice, it’s not without emotional turmoil. When a woman makes the decision to carry a child, she is choosing sanctity of life and already showing her love for the baby. Once that decision is made, it is nearly impossible to carry a baby for nine months without bonding or feeling love or a maternal sense of protection. That love has to be strong enough to put the baby’s needs first and say goodbye.

As a mother, it sounds like a gut-wrenching, if not impossible decision to make. Of course, every woman’s circumstances are different and while there are certain to be strong emotions, some of those could include relief or peace with the decision.

I immediately thought that I could never do that – carry my child that I so desperately loved and wanted and then turn them over for someone else to raise. But then I realized that I already had.

I carried Liliana and then gave her to God. I know I didn’t have a choice in the final outcome after her birth, but I did choose to carry her knowing that I could, and probably would, lose her. I chose to give her life and a chance at an eternal life in heaven. And ultimately, God the Father ‘adopted’ her into His kingdom. Who better to raise your child than the Lord himself?

So as hard as it was to say goodbye to Liliana, I know that she is so much better off where she is than if she were here living with her illness. And just like with adoption, there is a comfort and peace (and relief) in knowing that she is happy, healthy and loved beyond measure. It doesn’t take away the pain of letting her go, but it allows me to focus on what was best for her. And at the end of the day, isn’t that what every mother wants?

And then just last night, I had the long-overdue opportunity to celebrate a man I loved dearly – my former boss who passed away this summer. Several of his former colleagues and employees got together to honor him and discuss what he meant to us. No single person has had a greater impact on my career than David. He was more than a boss, he was my mentor, father and friend. He was the most genuine, warm, generous and caring person you could meet. One thing people always said about David is that when he spoke with you, no matter how many people were around, he always made you feel like you were the only person in the room.

In preparing for the get-together, I put together a slideshow of photos and also had one of him blown up for display. The last time I did either of these things were for Liliana, so of course it brought up my emotions and put me right back to eight months ago when I was preparing for her memorial service.

But just like with Liliana, it was my honor to put these things together. It’s something so  small, but it’s a way to express my love for them. David moved to another state before I had children, so he never had the chance to meet my girls. But now, I know that he has met one of them. And just like he did with me hundreds of times before, he will make Liliana feel like the most important soul in heaven.

I heard from several people last night while remembering David that ‘life goes on’.  It’s true, it does, but not in the way it used to. Not ever the way it used to. By definition, a life-changing event should be exactly that – life-changing. While I will always lovingly remember David, I’m sure to his family, he will be with them in a significant way every day from here on forward – in ways that they still have yet to realize.

And with Liliana, well, if any one has been reading my blog, you know how I’ve been impacted.  Liliana has literally changed my life – my heart, my mind, my soul and even my body. So my life is ‘going on’, but it’s going on with Liliana and the permanent changes she has brought about. She permeates every aspect of my life. And I treasure every instance where she makes her presence known. So whether it be in my training, a get together to celebrate an old friend or pretty much any other activity in my life, Liliana is there, and together, our lives will go on.