January 5, 2018 – Every one told me the holidays would be hard, but I didn’t think it would be any different from missing Liliana every other day. And for awhile, I was right. With my husband being off from work, we were able to spend great family time together and we visited Liliana at the special place several times. I decorated her Christmas wreath cross with special ornaments and brought her home made gifts from her sister. It was wonderful to be able to dedicate so much time to her.

In addition to my husband being off from work, I was also on hiatus from my activities. Our Christian Alpha class had ended in early December; I took a couple weeks off from my training at the pregnancy center; and with the holidays, I had a longer hiatus from my parent support group meeting. My spiritual and emotional lifelines were on hold for the holidays and as this year came to an end, so did my armor of strength come crashing down.

Normally, I can suppress my emotions a few layers down so that they don’t spill over at the slightest touch. But lately, they’ve been surface level and have revealed themselves with even a passing wind. I find myself crying more than normal at very inopportune times. My thoughts of Liliana are ever present and so is my pain.

Is it because of the holidays that I feel the pain of Liliana’s absence so profoundly? Is it that this beautifully tragic year has finally come to an end? Or is it because I haven’t had my normal support system that has carried me these past five months?

As I reflect on things, I think it’s all of the above. Christmas is a beautiful time of year to celebrate the birth of Jesus and cherish family time, so of course Liliana was close at heart. I remember the joy of last Christmas knowing that I was pregnant with our third child and anticipating what a joyous Christmas the following year would be with our growing family. I’ve always had a hard time accepting a reality different from my expectations, and there has never been a bigger gap than from the reality of Liliana not being here.

And the end of 2017 has certainly brought forth mixed emotions of being glad to see it end and yet terrified that somehow it is putting distance between me and the memory of Liliana. I know I won’t let that happen and yet being ‘in’ 2017 kept me present in my loss and pain. I used my suffering to propel me forward with purpose and strength. Of course, a new year doesn’t erase any of that, but I know it played on my emotions.

And I am most definitely in need of nourishment for my soul. I didn’t realize how much my support areas of my life were helping me. Alpha, my pro-life ministry and my infant loss support group all feed my spirit. I can freely speak of Liliana and my journey. They provide healing and comfort that can only come through the work of the Holy Spirit. And although I can seek God outside of these groups, my prayer life has been slightly suppressed these last few weeks for a number of reasons (none of them good excuses).

So put all of these things together and the result is a cyclone of emotions and tears searching for a resting place. And yesterday, they found one.

First, a little background. My husband has also been doing some soul searching of his own. While his faith is strong, his body is human and he too was in need of some extra spiritual nourishment. Sometimes I forget that he has experienced the same losses as I have, albeit differently, but loss nonetheless. On top of our own personal loss, he deals with death on a daily basis at work with his patients. I can’t even start to comprehend the strength needed to tell another human being that their time on this earth is near its end. The Holy Spirit needs to be close at hand at all times for my husband to do his job, so his spiritual tank needs filling a bit more often than most.

My husband has been searching for a spiritual director for months to help him discern where God wants to lead him and to draw him closer to Christ. Just this week, I offered to help look for spiritual advisors for him. After a Google search and a little research, I made a few calls to our archdiocese and the local seminary. In my reading, I found that it may be a little more difficult than I anticipated to find someone. Being a spiritual director isn’t like being an accountant or doctor and finding the one closest to your home with a five-star rating. First, there aren’t that many of them, so finding them is a bit tricky. And it isn’t one size fits all. You need to find someone who is a good fit with you.

So yesterday, I finally made some progress and received a couple of phones calls back with some further direction of where I can search. Progress, but still searching. Before I had a chance to share the news with my husband, he sent me a message that was spiritual food for my soul.

A patient who was in for a routine visit on a benign issue came to see him. Everything was fine and she wouldn’t need to follow up for another year. It could’ve been a 5 minute visit. But then, God! My husband asked her a routine question on if she works or does anything to stay active for her health. Her answer? ‘I do work, but nothing with physical activity. I’m a spiritual director.’

He came home so energized from his conversation. This patient gave him the information and direction that I had been struggling to obtain. Not only did she have the information that we had been seeking, but after listening to his story, she even had a great recommendation for who he should pursue as his spiritual director. As I have said numerous times in this blog, there are no coincidences with God!

While this encounter naturally lifted my husband’s spirits, it nourished my soul just as much. With all of the emotions I’ve been dealing with, it reminded me of who’s in charge. How many Catholic spiritual directors are there in our area? A few dozen? Surely, not more than 100. What were the odds that one would walk into my husband’s office when we needed one most? Pretty good when it comes to God.

With everything we’ve been through, it’s nice to know that God still has the reigns. He shows us His love and mercy when we need it and He never fails us.  While my support system helps me tremendously, they all have the common thread of the hand of the Holy Spirit in them. And when times get tough and my emotions with Liliana are running high, all I need to do is reach for Him. And my soul shall be fed.