March 10, 2018 – What a week of blessings I just had. And they all tie back to Liliana! There is so much that my heart is full on right now, that it’s hard to focus on just one thing.

It all started last Thursday when my husband and I watched a video of the story of Mark Tripoldi and his life-changing event of losing his son to meningitis at the age of three. To say it transformed his life is an understatement. His story is heart-breaking, but also inspiring and I encourage everyone to read about it (Bobby’s story). There were many things that I took from his story and could relate to, but the one thing he said that resonated with me most was this: “Don’t let your pain go to waste.”

I thought about that and how true it is – for big or small things. When a child touches something hot and they burn themselves, they feel pain. But they also learn (hopefully) that they shouldn’t do that again. There are many times in our lives where we can often benefit from enduring a little bit of pain in order to avoid a lot of pain at a later time. But when you go through something as heart-breaking as losing a child, your pain meter is off the charts. There are no lessons to be learned for next time to avoid further pain because you’re at the peak of brokenness.

The only thing you can do is shift the pain or channel it into something else. While there are many options to choose from, channeling it into something meaningful to you is the healthiest choice and the one that leads to true healing.

So fast forward to this week where I came off of several spiritually and emotionally filled activities with my support group, pro-life team, pregnancy center, and even my hospice group, and I began to think about how I’m channeling my pain.

In my support group this past week, I released my pain with parents who know it well. I can talk about my Liliana while also providing some comfort to newer families who are just at the start of their journey. I was even asked to join the board last week and it will be my honor to help these men and women navigate their pain as I also share my own. Pain shared.

In my pro-life meeting the following day, it was an uplifting gathering of Christians who value life, love Christ and are just good people. The group is so passionate and they do so much to advocate and educate others on the sanctity of life. My calendar is quickly filling up with fundraising dinners, pro-life walks, movie nights and student education programs. I can’t express how good it feels when you direct your time and energy toward good that is not self-serving. Although, maybe it is a little self-serving on my part since it allows me to honor Liliana and do good in her name. It might be more accurate to say that these activities are not centered around my enjoyment or agenda, but in service to God. And the beauty of it all, is that I do get so much joy from it all. Pain transformed.

And then by mid-week, I had my pregnancy center training. I’m finally reaching the end of my training to be a counselor. I have learned a tremendous amount, grown spiritually and have been able to process so much of my pain over Liliana throughout the last six months. This all culminated last Friday when I attended their annual fundraiser banquet where Senator Rick Santorum was the pro-life speaker. What a witness! He spoke of his commitment to pro-life and the cost it came with early in his career. He also spoke of his daughter Bella who has Trisomy 18, just like Liliana had. Today, she is nine! Of course I had a strong emotional connection to his story and to his message. I was happy to be able to meet him and another couple who had a daughter with the same condition. As the mom said, it’s instant family. I hope to form relationships with this family and others as we continue our healing journey of faith in Liliana’s name. Pain understood.

And finally, today, we attended a memorial service through our pediatric hospice group where we gathered with other families who have lost children. Two couples in particular pulled on my heart as I learned they too lost their sons in the last few months and had only minutes or hours with them. Like us, they received their diagnosis at their ultrasound. I’m happy they found the hospice group because I know the support they provide to families facing the hardest roads of their lives. As I’ve said before, our hospice team was family to us and seeing them today was like seeing your best friend who you haven’t seen in years and picking up where you left off. Pain remembered. 

This week was also special because we met with a director from the hospital and hospice foundation and are preparing to make a donation in Liliana’s name for her one-year anniversary. Our contact came up with a great list of gift ideas and I’m so excited to move forward on some of them (I’ll share them once we finalize). Liliana will be remembered and will help so many other families along the way. Pain memorialized.

All of these activities allow me to use my pain for good and that is beyond therapeutic for me. Doing good feels good. And doing good to honor Liliana and serve God is my life’s purpose. It’s the road I’ve been searching for all my life, but never knew how to reach it. Now that I’m finally on it, and God is in the driver’s seat, I’ll never be lost again. After all, all of these ‘channels’ were put in my path by God. He didn’t want me to waste my pain. All I had to do was walk through the doors He opened, and is still opening, and trust in His word and receive His peace.

Pain healed.