February 19, 2018 – It’s been a busy last few weeks. We went on our first family vacation since Liliana’s birth. Last year, I could barely think about going out or celebrating things, much less going on a vacation. But this year, we felt it would be good for our family to get away from the cold and spend some time together.
As part of this year’s trip, we decided to try out Disney World’s Magic Kingdom for one day as a test run for future trips. I didn’t know how my girls would do at these ages, so I didn’t want to overwhelm them with several full days of non-stop stimulation. Overall, it was a success. They had fun. They rode the rides, they waved to the characters and they marveled at the fireworks. It was a nice day for all of us.
They call Disney World the ‘happiest place on earth’. How can you not be happy with all the parades, princesses and flashy rides? And it was. There was also a lot to get distracted with. And we did. The whole trip was about doing things for our girls – going to the beach, the aquarium, Disney World, the park, a dolphin cruise…. it was a tiring list of activities that kept us busy the whole week.
And by the end of it all, we were all ready, even anxious, to come back home. Not just because we were tired from all of the ‘fun’, but it was something more. I was distracted at Disney World and during our entire trip and it kept my focus elsewhere. And while we had a nice time, I knew something didn’t feel right.
And then we got home. And that’s when I realized what it was. It was Liliana. For me, I somehow felt more distant from Liliana being on vacation and caught up in all of the activities. I didn’t see her picture in every room or have constant reminders of her around every corner. I know I don’t need to be home to have her with me or to think of her, but I can’t really explain how being away added a distance.
But being home I immediately felt better. It just felt good and I knew it was because of Liliana. I went to see her the first chance I had at the special place. I also got back to my prayer life, which I neglected on vacation, and that too keeps me close to Liliana.
It’s so easy to get distracted in life – from our priorities, from doing the right thing, from our relationships and even from God. Sometimes those distractions are welcomed or even a good thing, but other times they add distance where we don’t want there to be. And while it was nice to get away and we enjoyed the excitement of our older daughters, I never want to get so distracted that I forget my reality or become desensitized to it. Because my pain is intricately woven to my joy and I can’t block out one without diminishing the other. I want the reality of losing Liliana to confront me every day, so that I can focus on the peace of knowing where she is and who she’s with.
My husband had a 90+ year old patient recently who had reached the end of his treatment road. He had a decision to make whether he wanted to try one last treatment option or go the hospice route and avoid the difficult side effects in his last few weeks or months. With my husband in the room, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said “We’ve been to Australia, Hawaii…” and basically recounted the good life they’ve had together. And there was an implicit decision between the two of them as the man decided to forego any further treatment. My husband said it was a beautiful, emotional exchange to witness such an intimate moment between the couple.
When he shared it with me, he said it made him think about us when either of our time comes. And that we’ll look at each other, reflecting on our many blessings, and say “I’m ready to go be with Liliana now”.
The thought of seeing Liliana again and spending an eternity with her, casts aside any fear of death or dying. Today my heart is torn between the family I have here and the family I have in heaven, but there will come a time when our daughters are grown and my husband and I will look in each other’s eyes and we’ll know that one of us is going to see our girl.
In the meantime, Liliana, my husband and my two older daughters … they are my family, they are my home. And when I visited Liliana at the special place, that’s exactly what I told her. She is my happy place and being home with her and our family is the happiest place on earth.
Disney may have the Magic Kingdom, but it has nothing on the kingdom that we’ll be together in one day.